I can't even really express my disappointment over the fact that I am leaving tomorrow in the car. I should be practicing soccer, halfway through hell-week in Virginia already, but instead I am sitting on my butt recovering. I also should be driving my cycle through the mountains on the way there with just the bare necessities along, instead I packed up all my things into the car to sit in the passenger seat all the way there. (I can't really drive very well with this cast...) Man, I am really disappointed. It just was not supposed to turn out this way. This was supposed to be an awesome year for soccer for me, I was in the best shape of my life, I was kicking a ball around regularly, I was pumped to play with a bunch of guys that will take the game seriously, but instead I got thrown 2 weeks back, physically, and one week back from traveling with this stupid broken wrist. This wasn't supposed to happen this way. I am frustrated and disappointed and consumed in utter disbelief at the fact that it happened to me. I can't help but ask the question, "Why?" And I have so many forms of that question running through my head. "Why did it have to happen to me? Why did it have to happen now? Why couldn't it have happened at the beginning of summer so I could have caught back up at the end? Why did it have to happen at a time where it threw all my plans out of wack? Why did it have to make me leave a week later for college? Why did it have to happen the very last time I was driving my cycle to church? Why does it have to cause me so much pain? Why couldn't I have just missed the car and kept the bike upright? Why did I have to go at that exact time to the church? Why didn't I get hurt worse? Why was it only my wrist? Why was it only a bone that will still allow me to play soccer? Why did it happen at home instead of on the way to Virginia? Why am I so bitter when I could have died?" I could go on and on with these questions, but I feel as though you get the point. I am just really disappointed, and I know that I can grow from this experience in my faith, I just can't let the bitterness consume me.
I am reading The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis right now and in one chapter he talks about how humans can be very peevish about this thing called "time." The future is the most unsure thing (the farthest thing from eternity), the present is the moment where eternity and time intersect (according to him), and the past is the most sure thing. But we have this notion that we "own" our time. One of the best ways for Satan to pry his way into our lives is by taking our time away. Whether it is just a few moments of the day which we thought that we would have to ourselves, or in my case, a whole week where I thought I could be playing soccer and meeting new people. This gets taken away from us and we go into a spiral of frustration and, in my case, apathy. I am just very apathetic about about everything right now because I am not doing what I wanted to be doing. If, instead of pouting about what I am not doing and wallowing around in self-pity, I picked myself up and got back to life and looked to see how God wanted me to use this extra week maybe I would have had a different experience, and maybe I still will. I just need to have patience, and look for God's timing and His work. But it is hard.
I just thought of all that just now, but it is true.
In other news, I have a doctors appointment in Harrisonburg on Friday at 8:30 to have them look at (and hopefully schedule a surgery for) my wrist. Hopefully I will be getting my surgery sometime next week during the first weeks of class and then I could be out playing soccer in just a couple weeks. We will see how it all goes down. God is good all the time. And all the time God is good. I just need patience.
Incidentally, I ran two miles today and started off at my normal pace from two weeks ago, I ended up walking after a mile and a half. Shoot.
Make it a good day, and check out this lad taking a super chill picture after such a harrowing experience!
Really great. Sometimes I find that the only thing I can do is ask "why?," instead of actually thinking about all the things that I can says "thank you" for. I have also read the Screwtape Letters (as well as seen the play), and I am continually amazed at how Lewis can question yet strengthen my faith.
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